I’m a pretty low-key gal when it comes to the amount of time I spend getting ready for the day. I’m not one to insist that anyone spend more time on grooming than is really necessary. As long as we’re neat, reasonably attractive according to our god-given natural resources, and relatively clean, I don’t think we all need to look as though we are ready for our close-up all the time. Mr. DeMille can wait. (And to all you gym-bunnies who are wearing the pancake makeup to work out, may I just say, REALLY? Seriously, ladies, what the hell are you thinking?!)
But. Of course there’s a but.
Here’s the thing. My boyfriend is a wonderful man. I love him. I really do. As a serial monogamist for the past, oh, sixteen years or so, I can pretty much definitively say that this one is a keeper. But lately (and I recognize that there are outside sources of stress here, but all the same…) I’ve been finding myself more than a little irritated about a certain lack of concern (or awareness?) on the personal hygiene and grooming front. It’s starting to piss me off, see? Just the injustice of it. I mean, if I didn’t shave my legs or under my arms or get the occasional bikini wax, he would say something about it. He would pretend that he didn’t care, but he *would* care. And if I were going to see him for the first time in two months and I didn’t do any of those things, I think I would understand if he were a little miffed at the lack of concern I demonstrated. After all, when you’ve been apart for two months, you’re naturally going to hope for some hot, god-I-missed-the-hell-out-of-you sex. And it’s not too much to ask for everyone to be clean and smooth and trimmed and ready for action, is it?
So the deal is, we *have* been apart for two months and my man picks me up at the airport unshowered, unshaven, and looking like he slept in his clothes. He doesn’t shave once in the four days I’m with him. His nose hair needs pruning. He’s about three months overdue for a haircut, and he still has not solved his dandruff problem. He hasn’t been to the dentist in over a year and a half and he keeps getting food stuck in his teeth. (And gets annoyed with me when I let him know–what, he wants a girlfriend who will let him walk around with spinach in his teeth?) Oh, and his toenails are, well, gnarly. Now, I’m not asking for him to morph into some impossibly smooth, muscular fragrant, hairless, poreless supermale. But, COME ON, how about just a little effort?!
Is it too much to ask for just a smidgen of metrosexuality? I’ve never actually known a guy who likes to shave. But do you think it is some kind of a picnic for us? We’re talking about a lot more surface area, gentlemen! Two legs and two underarms. Plus any between-waxes maintenance that might be necessary. And compared to the inconvenience and mild discomfort of shaving, the bikini wax card trumps all. You guys got no excuse. None. If I can get a damn bikini wax to help you poor fools navigate my nether regions, you can damn well break out a razor so that you don’t tear my, um, “face” up when we kiss.
As for the nose hair, unless you are an extremely farsighted geriatric, there is simply NO excuse. Mirror, mini scissors, two minutes. No pain, no plucking, and barely any time invested. I don’t care how busy you are. Trim the damn hedges! You have eyes, don’t you? Do you not CARE?
The haircut thing. What is that? Don’t bullshit me about expense, because the mere fact that you wear your hardware on the outside means that you automatically pay less than half what I pay to get my hair cut. Like going to a mechanic. If you have a vagina, you pay more for the exact same thing. And don’t give me any crap about being too busy either. You have at least six hours a week to play Rock Band, but not a half hour to get your hair cut? Plus, at 32, you’re too old to have dandruff. Work it out.
And go to the dentist. Stop being a child.
So, really, guys. I’m truly baffled by this. What makes him (you?) think that this is ok? Why is he so unaware or indifferent? Is it merely a question of self-awareness (or lack thereof)? Do some of you just get stuck at a seventh-grade level of personal hygiene? If so, why? Regardless, I’m sick to death of the double standard. You guys have got to work it out unless you want to gross us out. No one wins when you guys can’t be bothered to clean yourselves up a little. Case in point: We had not seen each other in two months, but we only had sex once in the four days we were together. And no, it wasn’t that good for me.
